Letting Dreams Go

This post will be all over the place.  Lately, I feel all over the place.  I embrace it!  

Growing up, my Mom told me story after story about how I lovingly smothered my little brother.  At 1.5-years-old I would adoringly throw a hard, plastic toy into my newborn brother's crib so that he could have fun.  Obviously, I have always loved babies.  I've never been a Barbie girl.  I've enjoyed cuddling and smothering my infant brother as a toddler, playing the role of Mommy through dramatic play as a preschooler and elementary aged student, baby-sitting people's precious children, studying and majoring in Early Childhood Education, and actually being a Mom.

As much as I love being a Mom to my teenager, I do have some regrets.  Regrets that can't change and aren't my fault nor are they my teen's fault.  But, still.  They are regrets.

Mr. and I began discussing future children when we were in the dating process.  We had already planned our future children's names in list format (which is where our adopted son decided to choose his new first name), decided how we wanted to raise them, and decided that we would homeschool them from Preschool-8th grade.  It was all very black and white.  We knew exactly what our cookie cutter, conservative Christian family would do and how we would do it.

Then we adopted a teenager.  A teenager that was "homeschooled" until he was in the middle of 8th grade.  By "homeschool" I mean left to his own devices with a sibling that was 1 year older.  My son was taught to read by his sibling that taught herself to read.  My son taught himself how to write.
My son is brilliant.  Please let me become sidetracked for one moment and be the first to tell you that fact.  My son, who wasn't taught anything up until the age of 13.5 when he became enrolled in the 8th grade in the middle of the school year, is absolutely brilliant.  I'm getting emotional typing this.  I have an 11th grader who is making nearly all A's this year.  If you knew what we knew, you would cry every single time you heard that/saw that.  I am not Super Mom.  I am not a fantastic parent.  I get frustrated with my son just like any parent does.  I sometimes fail to remember where my son came from and who raised my son for 15 years of his life.  I fail to give him GRACE 100% of the time.  But I will always with great certainty know and recognize that my son is brilliant.  He is smart, he is capable, and he is willing.  He is absolutely amazing.

Now, I will get back on topic.  After knowing what we knew about our son's homeschool past and becoming instant parents to a teenager (upon turning 23 and 29) we recognized that homeschooling wasn't an option.  First off, our son wasn't in the planned age range that we had wanted to homeschool.  Secondly, our son needed to develop social skills with other teenagers on a daily basis that we couldn't provide through working full time and homeschooling him ourself.  I regret that I was never able to homeschool my son.  I wish that my husband and I could have provided him with a rich education that started in our home.  I wish I could have given him an abundance of learning opportunities growing up.  I wish we had been there all along.  We weren't, though, nor could we have been.

Homeschooling fanatics that we are, we absolutely adore the public high school that our son attends.  If you asked Mr. separately from me, I'm sure he could provide you with a list that is at least 10 points long of why and how that school is so wonderful.  He is gifted like that.  Me?  Well, I'll just tell you that the staff has been incredibly supportive of the whole adoption process and while last year wasn't an easy ride for our family (in fact, it was incredibly difficult for us to weather and it is by the GRACE OF GOD that we made it through) this year has proved to be an undeserved blessing for us all.

Last school year, I was unable to attend Meet the Teacher Night.  But, his first mother did attend it with my husband and our son.  I can't begin to describe to you how difficult that was for me to swallow.  I really regret not being able to attend it with my family.   I wanted to be the Mom the school met.  Instead, the teachers of my son's 2011-2012 school year met his first mother who began it by spreading lies.  Not an ideal start to the school year, of course, and while the truth did come out it still was not a smooth ride.  It was a school year where son, Dad, and Mom were all enrolled in High School.  Rough.

During Meet the Teacher Night this year, which I was able to attend (WOOHOO!), we encountered teacher after teacher who showed a true willingness to work with us based on our son's past.  Our son has been remarkably successful this school year.  Last year, we had a tutor in our home 3 days per week.  He was very successful with assistance!  He did great!  This year, we haven't had a tutor in our home at all.  He has been very successful on his own.  I admire my son.  He is brilliant.  But, I already told you that.

As we near the first report card of our son's 2012-2013 year, I am letting dreams go.  This is not how I thought our oldest child's life would go nor is it how I thought we would parent that child (side note: Parenting an abused/neglected child is 100% different than parenting a child you have raised from birth and we have had to do a lot of research to figure out just "how" to do it).  But, I am happy.  Mr. is happy.  Our son is happy.  The Lord's plans are, so often, different than our own and so much better.