Our son's biological family

Our son's biological family has been more supportive than we could have ever imagined.

The following was written by Sister #2 and I am saving it here to share with my son when he is further along in his healing journey.

Day 25: I am thankful for the couple that adopted my brother. To be honest it hasn't always been easy to accept. I felt like I should have done something, I should have somehow been more, but at the end of the day I know that I try so hard to be everything to everyone and that I can't always do everything. The family is great, they are Christian, they are happily married, they have a support system, and I know they are raising him with good values and I thank God for placing him in a good home with people who truly do care about him and his future and who saw his situation and didn't just go quietly. I am so sorry for all my brother endured, for what my sister is still enduring, for all we all faced and I can only hope and pray that this gives him a chance to live a different life, to be more, to learn more, to lean on God, to take a different path and be the man of God that I know he now has the chance to be. So thank you Mrs. and Mr. for giving him a chance at a different life and loving him like we do, and for doing something we weren't in a position to do. I pray constantly for him, for your guidance with him and for him to know that we love him very much. God Bless you!!

I wanted to do so much. I tried to help so much. My grandma and I kept calling CPS and they kept turning us away and we kept calling yet still. I didn’t understand how they could step foot in that house and deem that okay. I didn’t understand how they could talk to two small children or even as they got older and not see their educational needs weren’t being met. They weren’t thrown into brick walls, weren’t beat black and blue like we were but they were abused the same. Emotional, mentally and educationally they were abused. Sister #3 still is. I remember one time a CPS lady came to my house and sat down and talked to me, and I had Teenager and Sister #3 with me and their mother wasn’t there so I thought, this time something will be done! This time they will tell the truth and this lady will see that something has to be done! This time they will see that they have somewhere to go and they have family that loves them and they will be able to get away from this woman and this lifestyle. I showed the lady the closet of clothes I kept for the kids, and the drawers of books, and home school materials and socks and shoes etc. I explained to her that the items their mother provided were too small, had holes in them, were not adequate for the cold or heat etc. I told her they were not being home schooled as she stated and if she would just test them she could see. I told her they were scared of Sonja and they would have a hard time speaking out on her. I told her that I had a home and my husband and I would love to have them come live with us and go to school and have clothes that fit and bed that didn’t come out of the trash and a loving caring home where they weren’t screamed at and mistreated. I thought she heard me. She even talked to the kids individually. And when it came down to it, they did nothing. Sister #3 and Teenager both told the lady they weren’t home schooled often, the lady saw they weren’t on the level they needed to be, she admitted that to me. But she said Biological Mother went to some home school place in ____ and produced a letter stating that she had a right by the laws of Texas to home school her children, that the CPS office would be sued if they pursued the matter further because it was violating her rights and they just dropped it! She also said they visited the home but that she was cleaning it up and the lady said she felt that Biological Mother loved the children but perhaps she just needed support and I should continue to be a source of support for them but that, that was all they could do! They even had my then husband’s statements and what he witnessed. I went through this time and time again. Each time their excuses and dismissals were more insulting. We were failed as children my older sister and I and I just felt each time that the system was so flawed and she was such a good liar and manipulator that she would never be caught and they would never get help just like we didn’t. We’d continue to be told “If we took every child from their home we’d have every child and no homes for them to live in.” The system is seriously flawed. The children pay for it. I don’t know how these people go home at night and live with themselves! I wanted to sue the CPS office once Sister #3 finally told that CPS worker she wanted to go to school and they convinced Biological Mother to put them in school!! If they had done something sooner, if they had tested the kids, if they had listened to everyone who tried to stand up for them. I thank God because it really did take a special couple and a grave amount of evidence, an abundance of prayer, a vital role from the outside in Teenager’s life, and a big support system to get him out of there and something done. We tried. I don’t think anyone realizes how much we tried. But God had another plan. And it’s not that I want to doubt God’s plan but for the longest time I thought why not us? Why couldn’t he let something happen sooner? Why couldn’t we have taken the kids in when they were 5 and 6 and 7 and 8 when we were reporting this early on.. or even when they were 10 and 11 and 12?? But when I saw your post about Teenager dating I think I realized a couple of things. Were still suck in the cycle. Were still trying to break it ourselves. We are very far from the damage and we’ve taken great strives to be better than what we came from but were still fighting it. Maybe God had to have him go through enough to always remember and realize how bad it was, and how good he has it. God had to have him go to a family that was in a happy healthy relationship, who was strong, who was prayerfully diligent, who could break the chains of this abuse, of this generational relationship failure. God needed him surrounded by a church family that loved him. Not that we couldn’t do some of those things but God needed an outside source to really bring about that change and create the man of God he intends Teenager to be. Perhaps we were just too close to home. Perhaps Biological Mother would have just kept being like a weight on their ankles if they were with family, like she did to me when I lived with my grandmother and she kept pulling me back. I am sure there are many reasons for Gods plan and I trust him and know enough about Gods will to know not to question it any further. I just thank you guys for being an answer to prayer. For getting him out of that horrible situation. So many people just turn their back, cause its “not their business” and they walk away and I thank you for not doing that. I thank you for being exactly who Teenager needed and who he could confide in, for being the couple God needed to bring him out of this, to show him a better life, to be the example of healthier relationships, and I thank you for the very real and liberating chance he has now to be successful and to overcome it all like no one else could provide for him.

It's official!

It's 100% official now.
We are the proud parents to a  bouncing baby boy gigantic teenager who is taller than me.  It took 1.5 hours for the last hearing.  The "big one."  The one with people going on the stand.  The two prior to this point simply required us to be present and nod our heads at what our lawyer said to the judge.
After we had our son for 5 months, we made it known that we wanted him to be with us permanently to his first mother.
After we had our son for 7 months, she made a demand that we bring him back to her immediately.  Housing inspection was coming to look and if he wasn't present then her benefits would decrease.
After she had our son back in her care for 4 days, a restraining order was placed on her and he was back in our care.
After we had our son for 8 months, we went to court for the first time.
Then, we went to court again.
Then, she went to court by herself.
After we had our son for 1 year and 3 months, we went to court for the final hearing.  He is now permanently in our family!  For a couple of weeks prior to the hearing, he was different.  He was testing us again like he did for the first 11 months with us.  It was both understandable and incredibly frustrating.
But, it's done.  It's all done.  Next on our to do list is to change his name.  Many, many months ago he took a name off of our baby names list and made it his own.  He wants to hyphenate his new name with his old first name in addition to taking on our last name.  :) Yippee!

For those who would not accept our son with open arms because he wasn't "really" ours, please do so now.  You have waited long enough. :)

My son is the strongest person I have ever met.  He not only survived his childhood but has begun to overcome it.  He has high standards when it comes to his personal hygiene.  He keeps his room exceptionally clean.  He makes straight A's.  My son is brilliant and wonderful.  
This is where he came from.

His bathtub (the large quantity of animals would litter the house with feces daily).

His bed.

The eating area.

The kitchen.

The living room.

The kitchen on another day.

The kitchen on a third day.

Letting Dreams Go

This post will be all over the place.  Lately, I feel all over the place.  I embrace it!  

Growing up, my Mom told me story after story about how I lovingly smothered my little brother.  At 1.5-years-old I would adoringly throw a hard, plastic toy into my newborn brother's crib so that he could have fun.  Obviously, I have always loved babies.  I've never been a Barbie girl.  I've enjoyed cuddling and smothering my infant brother as a toddler, playing the role of Mommy through dramatic play as a preschooler and elementary aged student, baby-sitting people's precious children, studying and majoring in Early Childhood Education, and actually being a Mom.

As much as I love being a Mom to my teenager, I do have some regrets.  Regrets that can't change and aren't my fault nor are they my teen's fault.  But, still.  They are regrets.

Mr. and I began discussing future children when we were in the dating process.  We had already planned our future children's names in list format (which is where our adopted son decided to choose his new first name), decided how we wanted to raise them, and decided that we would homeschool them from Preschool-8th grade.  It was all very black and white.  We knew exactly what our cookie cutter, conservative Christian family would do and how we would do it.

Then we adopted a teenager.  A teenager that was "homeschooled" until he was in the middle of 8th grade.  By "homeschool" I mean left to his own devices with a sibling that was 1 year older.  My son was taught to read by his sibling that taught herself to read.  My son taught himself how to write.
My son is brilliant.  Please let me become sidetracked for one moment and be the first to tell you that fact.  My son, who wasn't taught anything up until the age of 13.5 when he became enrolled in the 8th grade in the middle of the school year, is absolutely brilliant.  I'm getting emotional typing this.  I have an 11th grader who is making nearly all A's this year.  If you knew what we knew, you would cry every single time you heard that/saw that.  I am not Super Mom.  I am not a fantastic parent.  I get frustrated with my son just like any parent does.  I sometimes fail to remember where my son came from and who raised my son for 15 years of his life.  I fail to give him GRACE 100% of the time.  But I will always with great certainty know and recognize that my son is brilliant.  He is smart, he is capable, and he is willing.  He is absolutely amazing.

Now, I will get back on topic.  After knowing what we knew about our son's homeschool past and becoming instant parents to a teenager (upon turning 23 and 29) we recognized that homeschooling wasn't an option.  First off, our son wasn't in the planned age range that we had wanted to homeschool.  Secondly, our son needed to develop social skills with other teenagers on a daily basis that we couldn't provide through working full time and homeschooling him ourself.  I regret that I was never able to homeschool my son.  I wish that my husband and I could have provided him with a rich education that started in our home.  I wish I could have given him an abundance of learning opportunities growing up.  I wish we had been there all along.  We weren't, though, nor could we have been.

Homeschooling fanatics that we are, we absolutely adore the public high school that our son attends.  If you asked Mr. separately from me, I'm sure he could provide you with a list that is at least 10 points long of why and how that school is so wonderful.  He is gifted like that.  Me?  Well, I'll just tell you that the staff has been incredibly supportive of the whole adoption process and while last year wasn't an easy ride for our family (in fact, it was incredibly difficult for us to weather and it is by the GRACE OF GOD that we made it through) this year has proved to be an undeserved blessing for us all.

Last school year, I was unable to attend Meet the Teacher Night.  But, his first mother did attend it with my husband and our son.  I can't begin to describe to you how difficult that was for me to swallow.  I really regret not being able to attend it with my family.   I wanted to be the Mom the school met.  Instead, the teachers of my son's 2011-2012 school year met his first mother who began it by spreading lies.  Not an ideal start to the school year, of course, and while the truth did come out it still was not a smooth ride.  It was a school year where son, Dad, and Mom were all enrolled in High School.  Rough.

During Meet the Teacher Night this year, which I was able to attend (WOOHOO!), we encountered teacher after teacher who showed a true willingness to work with us based on our son's past.  Our son has been remarkably successful this school year.  Last year, we had a tutor in our home 3 days per week.  He was very successful with assistance!  He did great!  This year, we haven't had a tutor in our home at all.  He has been very successful on his own.  I admire my son.  He is brilliant.  But, I already told you that.

As we near the first report card of our son's 2012-2013 year, I am letting dreams go.  This is not how I thought our oldest child's life would go nor is it how I thought we would parent that child (side note: Parenting an abused/neglected child is 100% different than parenting a child you have raised from birth and we have had to do a lot of research to figure out just "how" to do it).  But, I am happy.  Mr. is happy.  Our son is happy.  The Lord's plans are, so often, different than our own and so much better.

Visitation

I have accepted the facts as the facts. It doesn't lessen the hurt in my heart from knowing them. It doesn't mean that what happened in my son's past was ok. It just means that what happened is what happened, and it will never change. I accept that.  I accept that it was my son's normal. I accept that when we got him, he was so broken that what truly is normal was uncomfortable for him. I accept that so much has transpired to bring about progress. But, we have made PROGRESS! Adoption changes every single person in the family.  My son has made progress that is obvious to all.  I, however, have made more personal progress.  Real, ugly, emotional, important progress. I do not hate my son's first mother. I do not feel bitterness and anger towards her anymore. I have worked and worked and worked and worked and prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed my way through that. I accept her. I accept that she did the best that she could do. I accept her so that my son finds acceptance. I accept her so that my son likes all parts of himself. I accept her so that my son feels confident in whatever decisions he makes in regards to his relationship with his first mother.  Christ commanded me to and gave me time and grace as I worked through all of my emotions.  Thank you, Jesus. His first mother has supervised visitation for a total of four hours per month in another city. For the first time ever, she decided to use what she was given. My sister-in-law supervised. He talked about his family, shared about his grades, and listened. He was respectful. He felt safe.  It was good. It took some coaching to get him to the point that he could say that it was good, but it was. It was good!